The least civilized city in the world

Birmingham.

I'll tell you the whole story, but let's get the verdict out of the way first, because that is how science works. The least civilized city in the world is Birmingham, England. Population about 1.1 million. Second largest city in the United Kingdom. First in nothing else.

People say "oh, it's a bit rough". No. Rough is Rotterdam on a Saturday night. Birmingham is something else entirely.

Third world? Please. Birmingham is fourth world. You have people from the third world going to Birmingham and taking a flight straight back to their own country, because Birmingham was so much worse than where they came from. True story. Science has the boarding passes.

How I ended up there

I was invited to speak there. That's the only reason a Dutchman goes to Birmingham. Nobody goes for the weather, nobody goes for the food, and after reading this, nobody goes at all.

So I book an Airbnb. Normal thing to do. I arrive, and the instructions tell me to enter the building through the basement.

The basement.

And then the second instruction: do not talk to the concierge.

Now, I have stayed in a lot of places. Hotels in Dubai, apartments in Barcelona, a farm in the Dutch countryside where the chickens had more rights than I did. Never, in my life, has a host told me to sneak into my own accommodation through the basement and avoid eye contact with the staff. That's not a check-in. That's a heist.

The streets

I'm a grown man. I like to walk around a city at night. See the place. Find a restaurant.

Not in Birmingham.

I was told, in plain English, that I could not walk the streets at night because I would get stabbed. Not "might". Would. The locals said it the way you'd tell a tourist in Amsterdam to watch out for bikes. Casual. Settled. Just a fact of the city.

So I stayed in. Which brings us to the door.

The door

The door wouldn't open.

I'm standing there, in the fourth world, with a door that will not open, instructions telling me not to talk to the one person in the building who could help me, and a street outside where I will be stabbed. That is the Birmingham experience in one sentence. Science could stop the research right here. Science did not, because science is thorough.

The Holiday Inn

At some point a man gives up on the Airbnb. So I walk to the Holiday Inn to get a room. A Holiday Inn. The most normal hotel on the planet. You can get a room at a Holiday Inn anywhere on earth with a credit card and a pulse.

They refused to rent me a room.

They said they were full. They were not full at all. I could see the lobby. I could see the keys. I could see the board. Many shenanigans ensued, which I will tell you about in the video when it's done, but the short version is: a hotel chain that exists for the sole purpose of renting rooms to tired people decided that this tired person was not getting one.

In Birmingham, even the Holiday Inn is in on it.

What the science says

Science has a definition of civilization. Roads, rule of law, people not stabbing each other, doors that open, and hotels that rent rooms when they have rooms. Five criteria.

Birmingham, on my visit, went zero for five.

Compare this to Amsterdam. Bikes everywhere, sure. Rain, sure. But you can walk home at 3 in the morning, the door opens, and the hotel takes your money. Civilized.

Compare it to anywhere. Pick a city. Lagos, Tbilisi, Dubai, Maastricht. All of them clear the bar. Birmingham does not clear the bar. Birmingham is under the bar, in the basement, not talking to the concierge.

Frequently asked questions

Isn't Birmingham where the Industrial Revolution started? Yes. And they've been resting on it since 1800. That's 226 years of "we invented the steam engine, what have you done lately". Nothing since. Verified.

Did you ever speak at the event? I did. The event was great. The people at the event were great. The city around it was Birmingham.

Is there anything good in Birmingham? One thing. The most handsome landlord in the UK owns half of it. Science has not yet figured out why he would want to.

Will you go back? Only if the science requires a second sample. It does not.

More of the story is coming in video form, as told by the man who lived it. Until then, the science is settled. Back to the other settled debates.