Is Dutch food superior to English food?

Yes.

That's the finding. You can stop reading here if you're busy. For everyone else, here is the full evidence, because science does not just say things, science shows its work.

The English case, such as it is

Let's be fair and start with England. The English have been cooking for roughly 2,000 years, which is plenty of time to get good at it. They used it to invent the following.

Beans on toast. A tin of beans. Poured on bread. That's the whole dish. Somebody in England ate this, looked up, and said "yes, this is dinner". Then the whole country agreed. This is a nation that once ran a quarter of the planet. They had access to every spice on earth. They chose beans. From a tin. On toast.

Jellied eels. An eel, boiled, then left to go cold in its own jelly. Eaten cold. On purpose. In the 1800s this was the food of the poor because nothing else was available. In 2026 it's still sold in London, which means at some point a person had a choice and chose the cold eel jelly.

The full English breakfast. A good idea ruined by execution. Eggs, fine. Bacon, fine. Then they put beans on the plate. Next to the egg. The bean juice runs into the egg. Then a grilled tomato, so the tomato juice can also run into the egg. Then black pudding, which is blood. For breakfast. You wake up and the first thing England does is hand you a plate of blood and bean juice.

Mushy peas. Peas, but mushed. That's it. Green paste. The English serve it next to fish and chips, which is the one English dish that works, as if to say "we can't let you enjoy this fully".

I could go on. Spotted dick. Toad in the hole. Bubble and squeak. A country where the names of the food are jokes about the food.

The Dutch case

Now. The Netherlands.

Boerenkool met worst. Kale, mashed with potatoes, with a smoked sausage on top and a little well of gravy in the middle. It's November as I write this. It's dark at half past four. It's raining sideways. You come home, you eat a plate of boerenkool met worst, and you are warm from the inside. That is engineering. The English looked at the same weather and made cold eel.

Frikandel speciaal. A frikandel is a long, skinless, deep-fried sausage. "Speciaal" means it gets cut open and filled with curry ketchup, mayonnaise and raw chopped onion. It costs about €3 at any snackbar in the country. It is available at midnight. It has never let anyone down. Not once. Science checked.

Poffertjes. Tiny, fluffy pancakes, about the size of a €2 coin, cooked in a special cast iron pan with little dimples, served with powdered sugar and a block of butter melting on top. Children lose their minds. Adults lose their minds. There is a stand at every Dutch market and every Dutch fair. The English equivalent is a scone, which is a dry rock you need tea to swallow.

Bitterballen. Deep-fried balls of beef ragout, crispy outside, molten inside, with mustard. Served with beer. Every Dutch bar has them. The English have crisps. In a bag.

Stroopwafel. Two thin waffles with caramel syrup in between. You put it on top of your coffee cup, the steam softens the syrup, and 90 seconds later you have the best thing that will happen to you that day. The English have the digestive biscuit. "Digestive". They named a biscuit after what your stomach does with it. That's the marketing.

Haring. Raw herring with onions. You hold it by the tail and eat it standing up at a stall. The English see this and are horrified. The same English who eat cold eel jelly. Science noted the inconsistency.

Head to head

Let's put it in a table, because science loves a table.

Six categories. Six for the Dutch. Zero for England.

That is a sweep. Science does not usually see a sweep. Science saw one here.

Frequently asked questions

What about fish and chips? Good dish. Genuinely. One good dish in 2,000 years. And they put mushy peas next to it.

What about the Sunday roast? A roast chicken with potatoes. Every country on earth does this. England doesn't get credit for putting meat in an oven.

What about curry? Chicken tikka masala is the national dish of England. Yes. England's national dish is from India. Science rests its case.

Isn't Dutch food also a bit boring? A bit. We put mayonnaise on fries and call it a day. But boring and good beats creative and cold eel every time. We're not here to be interesting. We're here to be right.

Is Dutch food superior to English food? Yes. The science is settled. Back to the other settled debates.