Is a hyrax the coolest animal?

Think of your favourite animal.

Go on. Picture it. The lion, maybe. The eagle. The dolphin, if you're that type. The dog, if you're honest.

Got it?

Good. Your animal is nothing compared to the hyrax. Science has looked at every animal on the planet, side by side, and the hyrax came out on top. Not by a little. By a lot. Here is why.

It is related to the elephant

Start here, because this is the one that breaks people's brains.

The hyrax is about the size of a large rabbit. It weighs about 4 kilos. It looks like a guinea pig that has been to the gym. And its closest living relatives are the elephant and the manatee.

Not the rabbit. Not the guinea pig. The elephant.

Science put the hyrax, the elephant and the sea cow in one group, called the Paenungulata, because deep in the hyrax are the same tusk-like front teeth, the same odd feet, the same ancient bones. Tens of millions of years ago the family split. One branch became the biggest land animal on earth. The other branch became this little guy on a rock in the sun.

Your lion is related to a house cat. The hyrax is related to an elephant. Already over.

It is in the Bible

Arno will tell you the hyrax is mentioned in the Bible two times.

Science checked, because science checks. Arno undersold it. The hyrax is in the Bible four times. In the old translations it's called the coney, in the newer ones the rock badger or the hyrax. Leviticus 11:5, Deuteronomy 14:7, Psalm 104:18 and Proverbs 30:26.

Four times. The Bible mentions the hyrax more often than it mentions most of your family.

And look at what it says. Proverbs 30:26: "The conies are but a feeble folk, yet make they their houses in the rocks." Three thousand years ago somebody looked at a hyrax and wrote down "small, but builds in stone". That's a compliment. The Bible does not hand out many compliments to animals.

It sings

The male rock hyrax sings. Actual songs, with verses, that get more complex as the song goes on. Scientists have recorded them and found the songs have structure, like a piece of music, and that the better singers get more attention from the females.

Your dog barks. Your cat makes a noise when it wants food. The hyrax sits on a rock and performs.

It sunbathes for a living

The hyrax cannot keep its own body temperature steady very well. So its solution, every single morning, is to climb onto a warm rock and lie in the sun for a few hours before doing anything else.

That's not laziness. That's a lifestyle other animals can only dream of. The hyrax figured out in the Stone Age what humans figured out on the Costa del Sol in the 1970s.

It climbs rocks with sweaty feet

The hyrax has rubbery pads on the bottom of its feet that sweat on purpose, so the feet stick to rock like suction cups. It runs straight up cliffs that would stop a goat. It climbs trees.

It has a security team

Hyraxes live in colonies, sometimes dozens of them, and while the group eats, one of them stands on the highest rock as the lookout. If an eagle shows up, the lookout screams, and everybody is in a crack in the rock before the eagle has finished turning.

A built-in doorman. Organised. Civilized. More civilized than certain cities science could name.

Your animal, compared

Let's go back to your favourite animal.

The lion. Sleeps most of the day and lets the females do the hunting. Related to a house cat. In the Bible mostly as a threat.

The eagle. Fine, it flies. It also eats hyraxes, or tries to, and the hyrax security team makes it look stupid most days.

The dolphin. Smart, sure. Lives in the sea, where nobody can see it. The hyrax does its work on a rock in full view, in the sun, singing.

The dog. We love the dog. The dog is loyal. But the dog needs you. The hyrax needs a rock. Independence wins.

The elephant. Now we're talking. Huge, wise, remembers everything. And the hyrax is its cousin. Same family. So whatever points the elephant gets, the hyrax gets by association, in a size that fits on your lap.

Your animal is nothing compared to the hyrax. You knew it when you saw the first photo. Science just wrote it down.

Frequently asked questions

Where do hyraxes live? Africa and the Middle East. Rocky hills, cliffs, mountains, and the big boulders on Table Mountain in Cape Town, where they're called dassies and pose for tourists all day.

Can I have one as a pet? No. And it wouldn't want you. It has a rock.

Is the hyrax really the coolest animal? Yes. Related to the elephant. Four verses in the Bible. Sings. Sunbathes. Climbs with suction feet. Runs a security operation. Name one other animal that does all of that. You can't. Nobody can.

The science is settled. Back to the other settled debates.